"I am not myself these days."

Excerpts from I am not myself these days, by Josh Kilmer-Purcell

"A wonderful book, a ridiculous book, a sad and beautiful book, a book I'll read again, a book I highly recommend."
-James Frey
(NOTE: this quote appears on the front cover of my first edition copy. If you enlarge the image at the right, taken from the website, James Frey's quote has been replaced. Damn Oprah!)






I had spent so much of my time growing up being afraid of being either too cool or too uncool. Fear eventually took over and became my default emotion. If I tried to be cool, I was afraid of disappointing my teachers and parents. If I stuck with the nerd kids, I had a nagging fear that I was missing out on something. I learned to become exactly what whomsoever I was with at the time expected me to be. Mostly I was afraid that if I didn't become what they wanted, then they would realize what I really was. A fey little faggoty kid hiding out in a small Wisconsin town. It was an exhausting dance.
When I finally came out, the first thing I wanted to get rid of was fear. You got a problem with queers? Tough, get a load of me in this dress. You think sex is bad? Watch me tackle four guys at once. Just say no? Just say blow.

___________________________________________________________________

"Did he say where he was?" she asks.
"Did I not just say he won't talk to me?.....I think he needs real help."
"Really? Ya think?" she says. "Look, Tutti, Jo's got in with the bad crowd and there's nothing you, Natalie, Blair, or Mrs. Garret's gonna be able to do to get her out of this jam. She's gotta love herself first."
"Shut up, Cousin Gerri," I say.


"With the other end in his mouth, he picks up a tar-colored rock off a square of tinfoil on the counter, and puts it in the end with the Brillo.
He picks up the lighter. Flicks it.
He runs the flame up and down the length of the glass. A deep yellow smoke gathers and curls inside the pipe. He breathes in, still caressing the flame back and forth. The flame reached his lips, then recedes back the length to his fingers. It's seductive. Like when he used to run his finger lightly up and down my back.
I take a step toward him. My arm reaches up. I don't know if I'm reaching for the pipe or for him. I want to touch his skin. I want to breathe in what he breathes. The yellow swirl. I want to be the yellow swirl. I want him to breathe me in, be sent riding on oxygen molecules deep into his lungs. I want to travel through his body, seeing what makes him happy. Attaching myself to whatever place in him sparks to life on my arrival. His blood, his tissues, his muscles, I want to burrow inside the folds like a windblown dusting of snow, so that each time I melt away he seeks me out again.
There's no delineation between the pipe and the smoke and his body. It's all whole. I want in. I want him.


I look out over Jack's head in my arms at the skyline beginning to light up, sparkle by sparkle. It's impossible to conspire by oneself. Secrets that reside only in the mind of one person aren't really secrets. The're unspoken fears. It takes two to conspire. I kiss his hair, soft and brown, and breathe in deeply, smelling pine sap, and honey, and desert, and worry. I may be foolish, but I'm not stupid. I've learned a lot from Jack. Mostly to take things as they are at the moment they happen. And right now, this moment, I'm happy to be invited back into the conspiracy. I want to memorize his presence because I know what it's like when it's gone. I want to never not know this moment.
____________________________________________________________________

*Funny how things often just seem to come along at the right time. The first excerpt isn't so unusual or unique maybe, but it still spoke to me - someone I once was, and on ocassion become again. The last half made me understand some things that I've recently been through. It isn't my story, but that's the brilliance.
-david

Chi-town!

Okay, I never called it Chi-town while I lived there, but I've heard it so much since I moved.

Anyway.

I'm waking my way to Chicago Friday, March 17! I'll be in town all weekend. So any of my friends there that may look at this blog, be ready BITCHES! Can't wait to see you all!

Frost, pt 2

Sam had been planning this party - or at least thinking about it for ages. Not much to say. I was impressed that most everyone managed to put together a completely white outfit. The food was catered, and all white as well. We even had a bartender! I asked Sam if we could just keep one on all the time. Walk in from a long day from work, "gin and tonic, please." I guess Sam does that for us anyway.

Shelby and Martha had both come to see me at Shu that day for our spring event. I always love when women I know come in for me to do their makeup.

And now, lots of pictures!

Frost

This is just a preview of the pix that will soon be coming from our party last weekend.
It was called Frost. Everything was white. Sam really out did himself this time. What a crazy good time.

south beach and brandon. finding the light.

After my training was finished, Brandon picked me up and we headed down to his place in South Beach. The usual sort of partying ensued, but this time it felt a little different. I really saw Brandon in such a different head-space. He seems much happier and more content then I think I've ever really seen him. I felt it too. After my week of shu uemura sweetness, it was great to continue to feel this light.

We layed on the beach on Saturday and talked about his Kaballah studies and for the first time I fully understood why he was doing it and what it seemed to be doing for him. I'm not saying I'm going to start going myself, but it is tempting. I also realized that I have so many amazing people in my life that bring light to my life. And he obviously is one of them. These are the people that I should always be looking for and keeping around me.

Friday night we went to Jade (it actually has a different name now, but they all still call it Jade) where I met Graham Norton last time I was in South Beach. We drank and danced and had a fun time. Then onto Twist, which is always fun and crazy.

Saturday night we went to the Aquabooty party at this club called Glass. It was mostly a straight club, but certainly pretty mixed. The dj was from New York and kept me happy, smiling, and my feet moving all night. Dancing to good music really is like therapy for me. I told Brandon's roommate Christine, that it was like food for my soul! Okay, I was a little drunk, but I really meant it. It is a healing experience for me.

Sunday the beautiful weather turned a bit - down to 52 degrees, so we spent the day walking around and being a little lazy. It was great. Can't wait to go back. Maybe even move there at some point. There is a nice energy there.

shu shu baby!

quotes from Mr. Uemura

"Beauty is not created by cooincedence."
"Beauty brings pleasure to people."
"Beauty is imagined by the heart."
"Makeup is one of the best ways to reveal a person's essence."
"Makeup is a beauty enhancement rather than a camouflage."


"The most important factor is how to move people's hearts."

I spent four days in Fort Lauderdale last week in shu uemura basic training. It was absolutley amazing - largely due our trainer Misumi Kitano! She's has such an amazing spirit and amount of knowledge. I was in Zen heaven all week. I love so much about the Japanese culture. And it was fantastic to hear all of Mr. Uemura's philosophies, of course the product knowledge, and learning how well planned this line is - everything has a purpose and was designed with so much insight.

It was such a pleasurable week. I wish I could have written while I was there. It was reminiscent of the feeling I had when I first starting with MAC. That excitement and belief in what the company is about and in turn being excited and believing in what I am doing again. The spirit of this company is so right. It may just be makeup, but it really is more. I realize that ultimately I am selling a product, but if I can make someone feel more beautiful and confident, then how amazing is that? Maybe we are selling pleasure. There was another quote from Mr. Uemura that I don't have verbatim, but it was something like if you feel more beautiful, you actually become more beautiful.

The group of people that I was with all week were such beautiful people in spirit themselves that I felt more beautiful and life felt more harmonious.

sigur ros, nashville, valentine's day, and kyle tv

So I have to start with yesterday because it is fresh in my mind - sigur ros in Nashville, TN, on Valentine's Day.

The day started out with Martha, Amon, Nadia and I meeting at Kyle's place around 9am or so. Kyle started telling me about his weekend in New York crashing Fashion Week and getting in with the guys from Project Runway - all for a documentary style short. The stars seemed to be aligned in his favor and he decided it was clear that we should ride the momentum and take his cameras with us to Nashville, see if we could meet sigur ros. After getting coffee and making some final preparations, we headed off for Nashville, TN, a mere four hour drive from Atlanta.

The drive up was great. Amon and I had a chance to chat and get to know each other a little. Kyle napped. I followed Martha and Nadia.

Once we arrived in Nashville, Martha decided we should drive by the Ryman where the show was going to be, and when we drove past the alley, the band was getting into a cab. Kyle spotted them and ran out with the camera, but only in time to catch their manager. He got the guys number so he could try and set something up for later. I couldn't believe it. It was too perfect. "synchronicity!" Amon said.

We checked into our tiny hotel room and then headed out to Fido's for some food.
*ugh. I have a headache. I've had little sleep in the last 10 days. I'm just going to get to the point and post the pictures.

Kyle and Martha interviewed several fans outside of the theatre while Nadia and I did the shooting. Shooting this completely renewed my forgotten desire to be a cinematographer. I'm hoping to be involved with other projects with Kyle in the future. Can't wait to see how this shoot turned out. Kyle's spin on what we were doing was that while the goal was to meet and interview the band, he wanted to talk about "Iceland meets Nashville," and what the fans there were like and what they thought of the band. We had some interesting respsonses, some not so. You'll have to wait and see it.

After the show, which was amazing, we waited and waited in the cold. Eventually we hung out with the band until 3:30am at this crazy country western bar right next to the Ryman. Mission (almost) accomplished. We were hoping to get more time on camera with the band - and really interview them. Kyle and Martha are likelly heading to Texas to see them in a couple weeks (I may join them, work permitting) at which point I believe Kyle will be able to get what he really needs to tie up or complete this piece of the project - now that he has his foot in the door, so to speak, with the band. Let's just hope they weren't too piss drunk to remember us!

OH! And I almost forgot. Bon Jovi was performing down the street! So there is some interesting footage around that too. Stay tuned.

Scissor Sisters in the studio

I leave for Florida tomorrow for a week. Training for Shu in Ft. Lauderdale - then the weekend in Miami with Brandon. Should be a blast! Until I have pictures to post from my trip and maybe some stories to tell, enjoy these pix of Babydaddy and Jake in the studio I found on the web. Wish I had taken them..... maybe I did. Maybe I'm secretly friends with them. You'll never really know, will you?








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